.

Hair Ranting

2012-02-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

I will always have a love-hate relationship with my hair. My hair used to be black, wavy and always got a mind of its own until it met all the promising treatments Salons offer in turning it into shiny and soft hair, the way Asian hair is supposed to be. 2006, I had VIRGIN hair. HAHA! Never mind which part of the body, the mere fact I can claim a part of me to be legitimately Virginal at 22 is amusing enough.

You see, I've been mistaken as kiddo -- i.e. 711 refused to sell me a bottle of Red Horse, not being allowed in the movie house because I was mistaken as a MINOR LOL. The funniest I can recall was when an ex-lover brought me to a motel and the receptionist refused to let us in. To make things worse, they were asking for an ID. HAHAHA Fo real!

Don't ask what happened next.

Now that I'm 27 years and being mistaken for a 19 or 20 year old is quite the stretch. I've never had any problem with age and maturity until my little girl looks starts to mature.

Last year, I've lost count on how many times I've fiddled with my hair. I always end up chopping the tip because it's dry as fuck from too much coloring and I was bored. So now, I'm torn whether I'll go for a rock and roll bob haircut or be patient and fulfill my long time dream of having a mermaid-like hair.

Si Dora namutla.

Siopao Asado

Naks! Ang girly shet.

Mababaw ang kaligayahan ko. Kasimbabaw ng luha ko.

2012-02-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to like my problems now. HAHA. Yes, you heard it. Admit it, life is a big set of problems. Actually it's more a matter of circumstance; we "humans" decide to call it a "problem". You get my drift? Either way, I'd rather worry about the things I'm worrying now; What am I going to wear tomorrow? Should I buy another set of Contratubex or just leave these disgusting scars to heal by themselves? Bonchon or BONCHON? What bag am I going to use? Datating na ba yung inorder ko online? #LOL. I'd rather worry about these lolzy, petty issues than go back to the very confused me (Please refer to my old posts.) with a lot of emotional issues. Putangina, halos every week ata last year meron akong Crispin-Basilio moment. I cried in front of my TL. I cried in front of my friends. I cried in my room. My tear glands were maximized to the nth level! Nakakapagod din pala siya.

I needed that though. I always felt that I'm pretty kewl at the moment because I was a confused, wrecked lil-girl before. Remember that cliche: there would be no good if you didn't know evil. (Not even sure if this is right HAHA). Point is, you really must have a basis for comparison for everything so you'd know which one you prefer.

Excuse the smiling doggie. Ganyan kasi ka-ungas ang itsura at pakiramdam ng taong steady ang buhay.

In search of solace: Nagsasa Cove

2012-02-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

Boo-fucken-hoo!!!!!!!!!

2012-01-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Five days to go before I can feel sun again. I’m fatter by around 10 pounds around my thighs and tummy but I couldn’t (Shouldn’t) care less.. BEACH!!!! HAHA!

I’ll be the beached whale of the week because majority of my friends are skinny bitches. I don’t care, I need to worship the sun and absorb its cancer rays asap.

I will get drunk while the sun sets.

I will pour ice-cold beer on my skin while baking.

I will only ride baby waves so I won’t get a wipe out.

I will not buy pasalubong because duh I don’t have money for it.

I will inhale as much fresh air as I can and relish the fact that there are no Commonwealth hysterically-driven jeep in sight.

I will talk to the stars every midnight.

I will fall asleep after the sun rises.

I will report back for work next Tuesday afternoon looking like a bloated African queen minus the regal aura.

I. so. can’t. wait.

Would I Date Me?

2012-01-21T18:57:00.000-08:00

That question is already a blow to the self-esteem waiting to happen. HAHA! Oh well... let's dissect through this shall we?

C O N S
I'm too short, but I wouldn't mind dating me if I were a guy taller than 5'3". I can be self-centered in such a way that I only pay attention how I feel (which is most of the time), and the damage that I inflict on other people only registers in my puny brain after I calm down. Back in College, I was a nerd who never had good grades -- I wouldn't wanna date me because my time's always eaten up by useless stuff i.e. shopping, scampering on nearby beach and slacking. It would be perfectly fine if I were super girl and candidate for the dean's list, but no... I always have to study hard to compensate for not paying attention in class and not being smart enough. Bah. I'd rather date someone effortlessly smart.

I wouldn't date me because I don't max out on whatever puny talent that I have. I have a temper, I'm a cheapskate, I get too emotional and reckless when I've had too much to drink, and it's hard to take me out. I'm not worldly, I'm stupid when it comes to street culture, I cram everything to the last minute, I'm good at busting egos, I cry easily, I can be selfish, I have thick, wavy hair, I have a flat nose. I'm sickly, and I'm stubborn. And I can't cook. I don't think I'm interesting, I don't know much about things, and I don't think I'd have much fun talking to myself -- doi. Eh, well.And that is why I wouldn't date the a piglet known as Chi.

P R O S
I'm a malambing girlfriend (What's malambing in English?). I love giving gifts that I made myself. I'm sweet, I love giving hugs, even in public. And I think I'm a good kisser (Ha!). I like to listen and I'd say that I'm okay to talk to, but it depends on the chemistry I have with the person. I'm not panget. I'm not flat-chested (Tho, I have a small booblet. Still, not flat HAHA). I'm not picky about places to go to and I'd try anything once (or twice if I'm being stupid). I don't have bad taste, and I dress okay. I'm not a ditz but can silly at times. I'm really shy and quiet but I have little shame and I'm usually game for anything.

I can actually rattle off a lot of things right now but I'd rather keep them to myself. :)

I know how to sacrifice and compromise. I'm a tease... at times. I'd give my last cup of coffee to you. I'll be the best personal photographer you'll ever have. I don't take up that much bed space -- oh wait, I do! I love to laugh and I always see the best in people. I'm friendly and I can get along with most types of people. And I really really really love giving hugs.

Now that I think about it, I wasn't such a bad girlfriend. Remembering all the fun things that I had in my last pseudo-relationship cheered me up (there were so much quirky, one-of-a-kind moments that I'll never ever forget and always have with me), but now that I'm done reminiscing, I'm back to where I started. Oh, well.

But I still wouldn't date me. I'm not my type, hahaha!!!

My 30 Before 30 List

2012-01-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

Well, surprise surprise! I know I've already made a *rough* list few months ago but I always always find new stuff I wanted to do before I hit 30 so I have to do a 30x30 revamp. Writing out goals that I wanted to accomplish is piece of cake but achieving them might take an A+ effort. Regardless of how it works or doesn't, I plan on scratching 30 things off my list before the last second on July 4, 2014.

So, instead of my usual big yearly goals i.e. putting half of my salary in the bank yadda yadda, I figured I’d just make a list of fun things and smaller things. No need to make it so overly ambitious. Make it fun, right?

100 Day Challenge: Day 9

2012-01-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

Day 9: A picture of your recent purchase.

I always stop writing when I get too busy... doing nothing. It always feel bad whenever too much time passed by or if I don't get to blog about my recent beach trip because I choose to slack, knowing that they're forever doomed to oblivion. Thanks to my very reliable goldfish memory.

I never consider myself narcissistic but I always have this innate need to write and express myself. I officially started my love for writing and bulletin down my plans back in college. So, if you've been writing your feelings down for almost ten years, you’ll eventually develop a knack for it. Although back then, my old blog contains pointless immature ramblings. As the years passed by, I started to dig a little deeper. Emotions turn more complicated than the usual happy-kilig-sad-angry. In my efforts to make sense out of them, I would write them down even if nobody reads it.

As years of frequent blogging went by, the online blogging became some sort of refuge to me. Indeed, it was the safest place to let out the craziest, saddest, happiest, and most violent sides of me. Every time something came up, I’d take it up with closest friends, but the uncensored version always went in my journal. Pictures, lyrics, quotes, or even just mindless scribbles from a bad day-- they all went to my blog/notebook. Aside from the ocean, writing is one of those things I really keep to and save for myself, something to keep me sane.

As for the book, it's time to catch up on my reading.

Walking On

2012-01-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

I just knew I had to write about this. "This" pertain to swiping my clean slate.

I just want to say sorry.

I want to say sorry for the times that I unnecessarily lost my temper, which is on a daily basis.. I'm sorry for the times I took it out on people, which is on a daily basis again.. I'm especially sorry for all the cruel things that would come out of my mouth because I find fun in lambasting people.

You see, I grew out of backbiting, but I feel a lot of remorse for the times that I talked shit about some people (and to be honest, there was really just one person that I character assassinated for nearly two, no make that three years). I'm aware that I did it out of retaliation and rage, but I now know that I should've been the bigger and better person. I'd go about pep talking about how people should respect each other, and there I was. Because my ego got bruised, because my feelings got hurt (sledgehammered repeatedly would be more like it). And hell fucking yeah, because my heart got broken!!!

Granted I'd only bitch and rant to only good friends (around 4 or 5 at most, all during separate occasions). Looking back, I feel really ashamed. I have no excuse, it was the typical defense mechanism any girls would do (Right Gen?), I will belittle and demean just so that I could stop feeling bad about myself, which I believe most of you could relate. I may not have any control about what the other party will spout out, but I have control over what I can do.

This is my apology and it's going to go out to people who probably won't read nor give a fuck anyway. I know for a fact that I didn't deserve what happened to me, but they didn't deserve to get lambasted by me either. Screw my bad mouth!

So today, the people who don't factor in my life anymore will stay in the past. It's pointless and petty unearthing things that don't matter in your life right now. I'd rather just go on my life with the good memories, I'd rather remember them during the good times and when they were at their best. Because at the core of it all, they were really extraordinary and amazing people. Shit just happens, I guess.

I wish them well. I wish him well.

C-Level

2012-01-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

There are many that I want to do! But first things first, please help me not to procrastinate and actually finish production of my products soon. Very excited about it, but when I start on budgeting my time between work and this raket, I get... stressed! It will be fun in the end. I hope I push thru with this. Good luck on me!

Every girl needs to feel it once in a while

2012-01-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

tap on my window, knock on my door
i want to make you feel beautiful
she will be loved...

Yesterday, I was listening to this song whilst finishing my beat-the-deadline reports on Coco a lot. It always gives me the kicks. I always have this believe that there are songs definitely written for me -- this is one of them. Wala lang *I still say wala lang even on my blog*. It's just so nice to think that there's someone out there who can actually make someone feel beautiful or special, even especially when you're experiencing the drabbest of your drab days.

I'm not kikay. Back then, people would even mistaken me as lesbian. It was only recently that I started putting make-ups on because 1) I don't know how to put some on and 2) I feel awkward with all that stuff on my face. I do like clothes, but most of the time I'd rather wear something old and comfy than wear shoes that could kill my feet or tops that would make some random maniac staring at my chest, waiting for me to bend over to get a glimpse of my deceiving little booblet.

But yes, I am intrigued with all that gunk and yes, I do splurge on lip stuff and face whatnots. I do appreciate pretty clothes and frou frou. And yes, I enjoy following trends. Hey, sometimes I even wear pink, not all the time, though. Because I feel much more confident when I'm comfortable.

I would always rant on my Twitter that "Shit, ang hirap maging babae!" You're almost always pressured to look neat, sexy, beautiful. Even after hours of walking in the office, you shouldn't perspire too much, your face shouldn't be too oily, you should always smell fresh from the showers.

So when you realize that your hair suddenly falls into place, contrary to your long that flies-farther-than-far-away you'd feel that you've earned ganda points, right? When you find that your sun-kissed cheeks are still rosy and you need not pinch them 100x for the perfect natural blush, you'd feel naturally pretty, right? And when you realize that you can still be sexy naturally, you'd want people to notice, Am I right or AM I RIGHT?!

The other day, I wore an old jean, my trusty black Chucks and a *gasp* push up bra. I still looked like the average college girl in the office, but I left home feeling extra confident and happy that for once, I looked beautiful cute. Naks!

Then again, I still felt ugly.

Stay tuned.

2012-01-06T17:12:00.001-08:00

When you want to be free
it's so funny how you should hurt someone
and that someone was me.

It his me harder than I thought it would

2012-01-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

I remember all the roads we passed, all the places we've visited, the cafe, the 24 hour McDonald's we'd sit and the conversations we had over them that would last until God knows when, the search for the perfect bag pack, shopping for jelly ace. I remember all the pep talks, the things you pointed out to me, the things you taught me. I remember all the songs you made me listen to, the songs you sing for me, the movies we watched. Sadly, I remember everything.

I remember everything.

And every time something come up in memory, it's like a dagger, thrust straight through my guts over and over again. Never enough to kill me but gets me pretty damn close.

I didn't know I would love you.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I decided not to go out with you after many attempts of asking me out, then we wouldn’t have gotten to know each other. Maybe I shouldn’t have let you hold my hands then my walls wouldn't go crumbling down after. Maybe I should have stayed as a friend because as far as my memory can recall, you just finished a mess with a side bitch of yours.

Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you. Then I wouldn’t be going through whatever the fuck this is right now.

This is what heartbreak feels like, right?

Duh! It’s not like my heart was never broken before. This should be routine. I know how to deal with heartbreak.

Or I thought I did but I guess nobody ever does.

Fuck.

Wishlisting

2012-01-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

I already got what I wanted most this year (a Sony BRAVIA LCD TV and Dillinger *hihi*) so this will be a very short list. This isn't a Christmas wishlist because obviously, Christmas is over already but a reminder of sort of what I "need" in my life now. I thought I'd write this down in case someone bothers to *ehem* haha!

1. A new laptop. Haji, my old Acer Aspire is giving up on me. I've found this Acer Aspire One 712 at Yugatech. As much as I would like to have a Macbook Pro, current job and financial state couldn't afford it.

2. A portable pocket wifi -- Huawei E5 Pocket Mifi. It's a personal connection device that allows you to connect to the internet right at your fingertips. It allows up to five various device to connect simultaneously. Being the internet junkie that I am, this is a must have gadget.

3. New digicam. For someone who enjoys documenting all stuff, a digicam is another must have gadget. For now, I'm still relying on my old Sony Cybershot and Coco.

4. A Polaroid camera. Who doesn't want one?!

5. Bag. A weekly bagpack for my surfing trip to go along with Dillinger.

Want; not need. Practicality is such a cruel thang. Cash is king!

2011: Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude

2011-12-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

Back from Tagaytay just few hours before 2012. I wanted to do a recap of 2011 but there were so many things that happened. To sum it up, 2011 was epic. If my life was a TV show, I'd prolly have a high rating fo' sho. A lot of good and bad things, improvement, big moves happened. But a lot of things ended as well. All I know is everything will fall into place and one day, they will all make sense. So 2012, be awesome hmmkay?

Plus plus plus I know I've been neglecting this blog, sorry. I have the usual I'm-busy-excuses but never I will Blogger. Ever. Truth to be told, I have been extremely busy these past few weeks that I have very little time to spend on the internet. I miss documenting stuff. I used to have so much proof of everything, now I kinda have to rely on my good, rusty memory which fails me quite often nowadays.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude:
1. For new friends and amazing conversations;
2. For the people who stayed in my life;
3. For the beach that always heals my soul;
4. For a job-slash-career that pay all my debt and finance all my kaprichohans in life;
5. For the awesome people in the office that makes it a less horrible place;
5. For M, for Lexie:
6. For this life.

At sana magkaroon na ko ng funds for a new camera.

Happy Holidays Fools!

This be how I feel

2011-12-23T18:06:00.000-08:00

I found this in my Drafts.

****

No matter how much you hear me whine, complain or get disillusioned...

MAHAL KO SIYA.

'Yun lang 'yon. I know that I'll never be the prettiest girl in his life (that's Lovi Poe's role eew hehe), I know he doesn't picture a future with me in it, I know he don't see forever with me, I know I'll never be as hip and fashionable as his ex, and I know I shouldn't be expecting a truckload of text message since it can be really annoying.

But I love that little cretin. More than he'll ever know. More than he'll ever realize.

Bow.

****

I guess there are people that that we're better loving off from a distance. As I've said on my Tumblr, this year feels so grown up 'cos it finally taught me how to *ehem* sacrifice. It's never a good thing to give up nor lose but there are times when it really is FOR THE GREATHER FUCKING GOOD. So better human being, check! ;)

100 Day Challenge: Day 8

2011-12-12T17:50:00.000-08:00

Day 8: A picture of someone you miss. In my case, I miss miss all these people.

My favorite gurlfrann, Gen. Malabon reprazent yo!

Meet Kristel. Please don't mind her boooooooobs. Poor AZN booblet of mine. =|

That's Ayapot.

See you soon dear friends.

All is well.

2011-12-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling brand spankin' new today, and happy. I was in a huge (still am) rut for the past... um, fine! I'll be honest *inhale*, three months? Feeling lethargic and up to my chin in stress at work. I suddenly stop caring about a lot of things, including myself. I stopped enjoying life, I lost weight (haha! a good thing), my face became a pimple camping ground, my hair is dry and gave up effort to look nice. On top of that, I rarely saw my friends, wore my eek-iest clothes and almost abandoned those people who love me the most (Naks!).

Not doing anything about my situation and acting like my annoying, immature 21-year old self is totally unacceptable. I know I'm not even half way of the "healing" process but I know I'll get there. Besides, there's no other way but forward. I'm too old to still be afraid of this shit and I have gotten to a point where it becomes an endless tiresome cycle that’s been going on over and over again for monthsssssss (Anong petsa na ateeeeeeeee :P). I’m praying for strength and commitment to break it once and for all.

For now, I'll focus on fixing the present.

So, I'll start with doing the things I'm happiest the most *excited*. Great things are coming in 2012 and I’m happy to be getting myself together before the new year comes.

I'm a bad news

2011-12-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

I’m not feeling like myself lately (Define lately!), I don’t know what’s going on. One would think it’s just the stress in the office that’s causing all this, but it’s not. I don’t feel like socializing AT ALL. I don't feel like drinking with my friends, I don't feel like exerting any effort to mingle with anyone. Heck, I don't feel like I'm moving. I feel detached from everyone else, even to those I usually run to for comfort I tend to disappear from. People have noticed how detached I’ve been and they they've exerted all kinds of effort to bring my old, perky, bully self by visiting me in the office, bringing me chocolates and planning for a Christmas surfing trip next week. It’s not just the stress in the office that’s eating me up alive. It’s something else inside me. I don’t know where it’s coming from or how to approach it. All I know is that I don’t mind being this way for a while. It’s different, it’s change. I’m tired of the same old routine, I’m tired of the pressure of trying, I’m just flat out tired.

I just want to be left alone.

Skin Woes: On niknik bites

2011-12-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

Early last month, my office mates finally decided to scratch the itch and head off to North to go to one of my favorite getaway in the planet. I've been to this island four times already but surprisingly, the beauty it beholds makes every visit feel like the first time. Well, not until last month. The last time I went there, M and I stayed on a cottage room, almost made of native materials and just a fan protecting ourselves from any blood-sucking, annoying insects. But that day, we all decided to stay in a tent. No biggie since I'm used staying in a tent when I'm on a budget trip. The group decided to pitch our tent under a shade tree, we had views down to the sea and on the other side of the island. Everyone was enjoying siesta -- I was having a great time just lying down on a banig whilst putting Coco on a shuffle mode, some were basking in the sun and just enjoy the clear waters of the island. Some were frolicking in the shallow area, others played Frisbee by the shore. We just enjoy what the island has to offer not until a group of males arrives and almost almost ruined our trip, I'll go to that part later. (Wag excited!) We only retired from swimming just when the sun started to dip into the horizon.

By night fall, everyone washed up, and readied for dinner. After dinner, we just lay down our banig again and partied the night away and proceed with the obligatory "siraan ng buhay portion" hahaha jk! The full moon lit up the whole island and I was at peace at that time. One of my girl friend dozed off to Neverland early and went straight to her tent. After a few minutes, one of my friend received a text message from our friend who was inside the tent already. According to her, she overheard the guys from across our tents said something that's way down below the belt already. It didn't take a minute for me to stand up and do what I have to do *evil laugh* haha. It was the prelude of something... liberating? Sorta. Haha! People who knows me IRL can predict what happen next.

To cut a long story short, we were *forced* to transfer to the other side of the island, near the owner's turf so they hound guard us from evil creatures. Unfortunately, I was woken by the disturbing heat. Plus the fact that I was sharing the tent with a gay friend who snore like a foghorn so I opt to sleep on a hammock -- it's one of my favorite item and the best alternative to sleeping in a tent -- IT WAS THE WRONGEST MOVE OF 2011!

You see, I'm used getting feasted by insects since I'm always out and luckily have never ever, for the life of me, experienced any serious insect bites until this. I never ever bring insect repellant lotions. Heck, I barely use sunblock. I'll only apply one if my friends asks me to. Deadma ever since I was too confident that my natural skin tone will always go back and any skin damage or scar would eventually fade. At that time, I've heard the presence of niknik (chiggers) in the island but was completely unaware of how much damage they can inflict on my skin (shet! naiiyak ako haha!). I thought it would just be like any other "normal" insect bites that would eventually fade but I was dead wrong. That afternoon, on our way home, I felt part of my back itch. There was no sign of bite or sting, no swollen reddish bumps but it really felt so itchy making it unbearable not to scratch.

The next morning, to my horror, my feet, the lower part of my legs and my back were covered with itchy, insightful redder bumps! For a week, I rely on Katialis and sulfur soap based on some forums I've read online and just continue my self-medication. By that time, I can already see rashes on my arms spreading. Apparently, it spreads its "saliva" every time I scratch -- Oh, the beauty of niknik! By the time I visited the doctor, some of the bumps are getting "uglier" from incessant scratching.

After doing further research online, the only panacea that I've found 100% effective was no other than... *tentenenennnn....*

Epsom salt. Available in Healthy Options for Php100

Yes! A mouthwash. Beat that! Hehe

I Love Being a Girly Girl Every Once in a While

2011-12-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't been updating much. Lately, everything I write is sad, sad, sad and I avoid posting them because I don't want my non-existent readers to get sad, sad, sad too. Haha! I was supposed to go to the mall today to buy a decent dress or whatever I can find for Patrick's wedding tomorrow -- as long as it can cover my disgusting, chigger-infected feet and back (I'll write more about that in my future post) but laziness reared and I end up falling asleep all day. I'm turning narcoleptic I tell ya.

Because I cannot get enough of anything cute and pretty, here are some awesome find I was able to grabbed few weeks ago.


Because I cant wear chucks all the time. White flats from Cole Vintage

Having short, stubby fingers, I've never felt comfortable on wearing big, vintage rings. But they're irresistible!

My favorites are the peace-sign-decked ring and the leaf necklace.

Necklaces

Rings rings rings

And meet, Coco -- my 32gb iPod touch.

Lovin' the color of his new hard case.

The culprit to my insanity.

I could be lying

2011-12-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

I want to be free.

Today I thought of you. I opened my eyes to greet the new day, evening for me rather and I thought of you. I closed my eyes, grasping the few remaining minutes I had of just lying in bed, and I thought of you. I thought of you while I dressed up, did my make-up and my hair. I quickly grabbed dinner and rushed out of the house because I'm running late for the first time. I was sitting next to this stranger and I thought that was the longest I've ever had to wait. My mind was idle, so I thought of you. Time passed quicker than I expected, a gust of wind swept my hair around as the jeep starts moving. So many strangers around me looking out the window, eyes wandering, eyes closed, idle, quiet. Were they thinking of someone too? And if they were, were they thinking of that someone the way I thought of you? The city was tainted with memories of him. Everywhere I looked there he was. There we were. Us standing waiting for a cab, us walking in The Fort, us walking hand in hand to places, us laughing at the endless jokes and silly exchange of banter. Us. We were everywhere. I thought of you when I was out shopping for clothes. I thought of you when my boss pulled me out and talked about my life. I thought of you whilst having breakfast in Pancake House, it was your favorite. I thought of you. I didn’t say anything, afraid to admit it out loud. How often I thought of you was my secret, it was no one’s but my own and as long as it hasn’t been declared then it can stay untrue. So I spent the day thinking of you while everything was tainted with memories of us. I thought of you today, and I probably will again tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that. This is why I need to get my shit together before letting anyone else in. And this is exactly why I can’t be with you or anyone else for that matter. This is exactly it.

The Twisted Tales

2011-11-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

It's not the right time, not just yet. But I'm still here.

But just so you know, completely understanding your reasons doesn't mean I accept them. I don't think I ever will. I was born to love you completely so here I will always be, waiting and growing. Waiting for you to be ready for us again. Until you're completely sure of what you want. Growing for me to realize if it's still going to be worth it. The latter scares me.

It's just so sad that these lines I write will mean nothing to you. Heck, I don't even know if you know these lines exist. I doubt you don't. Just like the tears I've cried when I begged you to stay the first time. It was so easy for you to turn your back away from everything, anyway.

I am scared that by the time you're ready, I've completely gone out of this shell. And I've already moved on. You should be scared. Because I am.

Photo Dump

2011-11-30T03:14:00.000-08:00

I knew it was going to be a beautiful sunrise. :)

This is one of the place I zone out.

Thank you for taking this trip with me.

Shutting off my brain

2011-11-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

I am at this point wherein I can't decide if I have a problem or not and not knowing what it is that I want. You see, I can be very over-analytic when it comes to problems because I tend to act on impulse when I get hurt or mad. I'm not really level-headed or rational but I.AM.TRYING. A lot of the occasional mistakes that I've made (even the ones tracing back to grade school) have resulted from some spur-of-the-moment emotional bullshit.

Sometimes I wish I'll stop following my instinct and just learn to trust people.

And sometimes I really wish I could comprehend why things are the way they are. I've a tendency to bombard people with questions regardless if the answer is something I want to hear or not. What sucks is that I have a vague idea of what the answer is at the back of my head, pero yun nga... it just remains at the back of my head.

~~It really is bullshit... how can I be all that you say I am to you when you just take off like that... again?!?!?~~

It's really not easy.. If some decisions are really that obvious then why is it so hard to pick out what to do? Choice paralysis again? Or when I do decide on something, why do I still feel miserable?

Bah! Whatever.

Brain, you've been up for 24hrs. Please shut up now. I abhor shallowness and mental drama.

Ay putangina, I do love my brain. I'd rather be snarky and brooding than bouncy and giggly. I enjoy my quasi-philosophical psychobabble moments, and my brand of perkiness and upbeatness is still relatively pathetic to social standards to begin with.

At kailangan ko siya para sa report na gagawin ko mamaya.

100 Day Challenge: Day 7

2011-11-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

Day 7: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.


Boracay 2011

What started out as a crazy, fun mutual pastime aka Counterstrike in Mapua turns out to be one of the strongest friendships of my life. D1 and I call each other "Tobzy". We are able to tell each other things we’ve been too embarrassed or too afraid to ask anyone else i.e. haunting for vibrators as a gift to *wink wink* haha. I think we have covered all topics of conversation whether it’s profound (God, faith, man’s moral compass), or personal (relationships, family, life goals) or about current issues (gay, lesbian), or downright mundane like sending an ice cream over to Cebu and how to keep it from melting or even just catty thoughts that are too mean to share anywhere else.

Oh, she's my favorite surfing buddy.

She is my official shock absorber. There are times when some things are too heavy for me to carry around and when I'm on the verge on snapping already, I call her. I can always unload with her and let everything out. She's one of the few people who has never left me -- never spoke a word against me, always had my back no matter what. She never complains when I get into "one of my moments" and understands everything about me. We have been through so much together, and even if I haven't been with her for a while, I know in my heart that she loves me and that she'll always be there when I need her. With D1, we were 17 together and this year, we are 27 together and it's pretty cool seeing each other growing up at the same time.

No matter how other people hurt me and abuse me, they can never break me because I have a best friend like D1 who makes me live my life without any regrets.

I love my best friend.

An Open Letter: Hey Stranger!

2011-11-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

Dear M,

STRANGER. That is how we started. You came into my life in the most unexpected time -- when I'm at my highest. When my walls are so high & I refuse to let anyone (literally) to enter my life and... love me. Who needs love when you have friends you spend awesome time with every weekend? Who needs love when you have money to finance your kaprichohans? Who needs love when you have boys on the side waiting for your grand gesture and never fails to feed your big ego? You see, I have lost so much faith in a lot of men who have passed through my life so I prefer to keep them out of my happy bubble.

We both know that it wasn't love at first sight, yet the feeling was unexplainable. When was the last time you did something for the first time? Our chapter was filled with a lot of 'first time'. You caught me off guard and in less than one month, you made me fall in love so hard. Everything happened so freakin' fast between us that we end up breaking the basic rule. I must have scared you too much. I want to say I'm sorry for the times that I unnecessarily lost my temper. I'm especially sorry for all the cruel things that would come out of my mouth. I'm sorry for doubting too much and for letting the green-eyed serpent takes over me. There's too much mistrust on both sides and we both know it ain't healthy anymore.

Going back to that island feels nostalgic -- I would discretely smile every time I think how I was able to withstood your mad-truck-like snoring and a lot lot more! *wink wink* Haha! The memories can never be replaced. I've barely completed my first day home from Zambales and I'm raring to get away again. Unfortunately, I'm married to Manila so the best I can do is do monthly cool-offs with her. Plus, at the end of the day, I do love the bitch.

Back to picking up where I left off -- Us. Setting you free is the hardest thing I ever did in my life. Everyone knows I loved you the most. You are the stranger who owned my heart completely but this is what I need to do. Maturity? I guess. This is my ultimate proof and my last gesture of love. I'll be the luckiest person alive if you come back but if you don't at least I know, I finally did what's right for you. For the first time, I stopped being selfish. You asked for this so many times already but I refused because I thought of myself first before you. I guess it's time to give you what you want. Selfishness does not pay off anymore.

I won't say goodbye... I'll just say, I'll see you again soon?
Sometime in our lives, we'll see each other maybe as friends or maybe still lovers.
Someday, we will see each other.
By that time, promise me you will smile back at me like I was part of your lovely past and you never regretted loving me.

I love you... I will always love you...

Love,
Chi

The Sea: My True Panacea

2011-11-13T13:08:00.000-08:00


The heat of the sun in a clear sky gently soothed by a cool breeze.

The calming sound of the waves crashing against the sandy shore.

And no fail, all your worries disappear when you’re there.

The beach, aside from power hugs, is one of the things, that is able to calm me down and relieve me from any kind of stress, emotional burden or turmoil that I am carrying. Where there is sun and saltwater, I'm instantly cured.

I'm missing the beach already.

100 Day Challenge: Day 6

2011-11-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Day 6: A picture of your favorite night.

Three months ago, M and I went to my secret spot and getaway. It's a small island in Zambales not known to everyone-- a wonderful place to kick back and relax. No beach party and active night life. We almost had the island all to ourselves if not for some noisy, gay camsluts who never ran out of annoying pose the entire day.

It was a beautiful, surreal night- almost like a dream. Leaning on his shoulder, with my right hand wrapped around his right hand whilst holding my Pringle and enjoying the serenity of the place under the clear moonlight -- it was priceless. The stars that peeked beneath the luminous sky that day were all calming. The sound of silent I love you's kept me smiling like a kid. Non-verbal communication, sometimes, is better. Because for a few hours, I felt safe and secured. I hope I had a million pesos so I could have somebody paint a picture of the night.

Secretly, I wished it would not end. It wasn't peace of mind, but it was quite enough for that night.

My 30 Before 30 List

2011-11-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

Thumbing down list of things that I want to purchase, to visit, to achieve and ticking an item always feels great. This blog has inspired me to create my own list of the things that I want to do for the next years of my life. It started out as list I need to accomplish before I turn 28 but I figure I need to give myself a bit more than a year for a deadline, I spent the last three hours pimping this blog but it was a futile attempt because I think I just made it look worse - I'll fix it later.

Presenting Chi's 30 Before 30. Oh, the excitement!

1. Design a tattoo and get it done on me.
2. Run a marathon.
3. Conquer Mt. Pinatubo.
4. Cook a five-course meal and eat it with someone I love.
5. Scuba dive. Swim with the fishes in Anilao.
6. Get stoked in Siargao.
7. Buy a Polaroid. Take photographs of all my travels and pin them on my wall.
8. Coron, Palawan.
9. Go on a solo trip in Catanduanes.
10. Participate on a humanitarian activity.
11. Learn how to play at least one musical instrument.
12. Bungee jumping.
13. Survive Sagada.
14. Go to Avilon Zoo in Rizal.
15. Learn how to bake even at least one cake.
16. Fulfill the Batanes dream.
17. Visit a foreign country.
18. Swim with whale sharks in Donsol.
19. Create an emergency fund. In short, start saving bitch!
20. Visit Ilocos Norte.
21. Throw a surprize party for someone.
22. Get promoted.
23. Clear all my debts.
24. Wear bikini on a beach. Be 100lbs.
25. Go vegetarian and fruitarian for one month.
26. Ride the LRT, LRT2, and MRT from end to end.
27. New raket.
28. Dye my hair red. Perm.
29. Pimp my room.
30. Forgive.

What's your list? I wanna know. :)

The Happy Chapter

2011-11-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

Last year, I deleted my Friendster account prior before the site go on extinction -- even my Twitter, Tumblr and Plurk... even pictures! Some people find it disturbing that I find it easy to get rid of such stuff. Imagine a 2-yr Tumblr account loaded with memories would all go poof? Sure! Why not? I deleted my Friendster, Wordpress & Plurk because I don’t wanna see my ex-lover's pictures, testimonials, etc. Same with Tabulas, only a different guy. And for the love of all the expensive items in F21, I am not bitter. I do not care if we got good memories since I know that I could always create another set of awesome memories with someone else. Plus, I don't want to go back to that part of my life again. I'm such a cheesewhore and I enjoy hoarding memories. But not all people deserve to stay in your future. That's how an immature my old-self thinks.

In the beginning of my pseudo-relationship with Mario, I couldn't stop writing about him on my Facebook blog, which would sometimes stay on my drafts for weeks before I publish it. Sometimes, on Tumblr account. There was this feeling of desperation to remember everything that was happening to us -- including the bad part i.e. seeing her with Lia at Galleria, one lies after another etc. It's either my previous relationship have mold me to unconsciously filter each and every memory coming. Or I just really have a goldfish memory. Going back, I write so I can map out where I was in my life. I wrote best late at night, early in the morning and when I'm drunk. I always felt like a child in a field racing to bottle fireflies into jars. Right now, there's nothing else to write.

It was a happy, bittersweet ~~final~~ chapter.

There are so many things happening and I'll be needing time to take it all in.

Emotional catastrophe happened ~~again~~ in the final chapter of the year. I wanted to set everything right in my life and for us- turns out it was only me who wants that kind of future. I try to accept the set-up with hopes that things will fall into place but it didn't... and all the pain I was holding back descended upon me. It's just a phase that I have to go through. It was only now that I saw that even when I ignored my pain, it still somehow managed to leak its way out to affect something/somebody else.

I haven't confided to anyone about this. I just want to enjoy the pain while it last- masochistic approach. And you know what? It took a lot for me to admit that I still am in a lot of pain. People just get really good at hiding it and being able to go through life acting like it's not there -- but it's there, and I'm just sad there's really no way to fast forward yourself out of it.

Indeed, it was a happy chapter. But some things are not meant to last.

Including this memory.

Someday everything's gonna make sense

2011-11-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

When I'm with you, I'm the greatest.

But it's not enough.

One minute you're jobless, after a few days, you're not.

One minute you're in a relationship, then before you knew it, she/he already ditched you.
One minute, everything's going slow, then soon, everything goes so fast you have no idea what's happening.
One minute you're down and helpless, even before you could ask for help, you're back in Happylandia already.
One minute you're being dragged back to misery, then before you know it, someone's pushing you forward.

One minute you're in a Happy Bubble and full of love and before you know it...it's gone.

Crazy.

It's funny. Exciting. Nerve-wrecking.

It was one hell of a ride boss.

100 Day Challenge: Day 5

2011-10-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

Day 5: A picture of something you love to do.

Nothing more gratifying that stuffing delicious foods into your mouth.

My November Life Update

2011-10-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Money woes
I'm close to being broke. The amount that I'm earning right now can't keep up with my spending, and when that happens you only have two options 1) Cut down on your spending, or 2) Make more money. I have no choice at this point since I racked up bills and clothes before leaving my previous raket. And the fact that I haven't bought a lot of stuff. I only realized that the "little" things really did just pile up when I checked my ATM earlier and wanted to cry.

I'm trying to live on 500 pesos a week until the next payday because I have at least Php 7,000 outstanding in debt. That is big. Plus, I'm looking to funding my surf trips again. God, I hate debt. I fucking hate debt. I love how my credit card extension has been saving my life for the last 2 or so years, but right now it's the devil.

I don't think I'd mind it as much if I actually had kickass purchases to show for it... like a surfboard, or an iPhone, or a new laptop for crying out loud. I think I'm THIS close to selling my soul for financial gain LOLJK.

Cash is king.

CanonS95, a polaroid camera, a new tent, monthly beach trips...WHY DOES IT COST THAT MUCH?!

/end bitchin'

Others

Man, other than my spending problems, I don't really have anything else to report. I'm pretty happy with everything else in my life. I've spent another amazing and fun weekend with M. I'd still like to believe that there's a future for us. We will push through our plans, especially the great Batanes trip.

The Little Things

2011-10-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

You make me happy by making me feel that I'm of any help; that I'm useful. Sometimes, I don't feel appreciated at all but I'm happy. It's not the gratitude that I'm after, anyway.

You make me happy by reminding me to always take my medicine, even when you yourself haven't seen the dentist to fix that tooth.

You make me happy everytime you text or call in the middle of the night just to say "I miss you".

You make me happy everytime you make future plans for both of us; that somehow, you want the same future.

I'm happy to hear you laugh, to see you smile, to sense that you're having fun.

You make me happy. Why don't you make me happier?

100 Day Challenge: Day 4

2011-10-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Day 4: A picture of you from last year.

San Juan, La Union. (Nov 2010)

You're probably tired non-existent readers reading this blog since all I can talk about is the beach. I'd be lying if I say I didn't miss doing monthly surfing trips in La Union. I do. Especially now that personal stress is eating me up alive and the beach is 7 hours away, good lord. You have no idea how much I miss spending the my weekend on the sun, sand and sea. This photo was taken after the Surfing Break, November of last year with my friend Arvie (No Surfing Break for me this year =/). Current situation makes me wish I were a rich kid, (the kind who's not oblige to work to feed themselves and will work for fun) with all the time and money in the world to travel *sigh*.

100 Day Challenge: Day 3

2011-10-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

Day 3: A picture of your favorite place in the world.

San Juan. La Union. 2010

San Juan, La Union.

My refugee. My favorite hideout.
Love of my life.

See you soon, Love.

100 Day Challenge: Day 2

2011-10-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

Day 2: A picture of something you love.

Bacnotan, La Union. 2010

Flashback, 2004. It was the first time I was able to stood up on a board and ride the wave noob-style. Heh! From them on, I knew it was going to be an epic love affair but time and budget wasn't on my side so I have to set aside such luxurious hobby. Sure, being coached and pushed was fun but I know I can go beyond that (ah, me and my ego). It was only last year that I started surfing again when someone from the past broke my heartzors. I needed an outlet and bwa-lah! I found refugee in surfing. Currently, I still consider myself a beginner. I can only go on between wussy baby waves and regular run-of-the-mill waves. I've tried other sports but nothing beats like scoring a good wave and and get a good ride.

I surf because it makes me happy. And sometimes, being just in the water, lying on your board, carefree, waiting for the next wave under the scorching sun with my friends is enough.

The taste of salt on my lips, stingy hair, waves crashing on my feet... Ah, the saline romance.

Beach, see you next month. :)

Jack of all trades, master of none < Patience

2011-10-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Photo from here.

Impatient is my middle name. That's probably the reason why I was never good in Math. C'mon! Who likes to go through long, nerve-wracking formulae and crazy solutions just to get a short answer like "-1"? I always want quick answers to all my questions and I always always want them right away. It’s that mentality that has gotten me to spread myself too thin with different aspects of my life. Even though I’m aware that there are things that require a lot of time, practice and patience (pagbilan ng pasensya!). Back in college when I was still taking Judo, I almost break my left arm because I was pushing myself to master a "throw" I know would take me a month to achieve.

You see, I've always been a Jack of all trades, but master of none. Always on the honor list, but never the Valediction. Part of the Basketball Team, but not the best player in town. Was praised for my beginner artsy fartsy skills, but never won any contest. Was complimented for my physical attributes, but never the head turner or crush ng bayan (nyahaha! feelingerang froglet to! yak). All, due to lack of patience.

I just want to be at the top pronto and it frustrates me to this very day. Piano, wall climbing, photography, skateboarding, surfing, basketball, dancing, photoshop, writing, relationships, hell even video games -- you name it, I never had the patience to stick it out long enough to master any of them. Throughout my life, people have called me "talented" (naks!), that I'm skillful in doing this and that. It feels awesome to be able to do all sort of things, but I've never been GREAT at any of these. It's not talent, it's dabbling - And now that I've think about it, that's how I've been living my life for the past twenty-seven years: dabbling. I always jump into anything that I like and enjoy and expect everything to work out without having to work for it. I actually lack the discipline to achieve it.

So now, that leaves me at a crossroads: when everything starts falling apart, do I quit and find something else to dabble in – like I always do? Honestly, I’m tired. Like duh? I’m 27 years old and I can’t keep going from one thing to another. Life is not going to wait for me, the world will not get better for me, and Christ, I’m certainly not going to get any smarter or better at my life by being like this any longer.

I’m supposed to be at my prime right now. I thought I was, but somehow, it doesn’t quite feel like it just yet. So I quit the only source of moolah that's financing all my kaprichohans with hopes that I can also do good in this job. I'm not sure if I did the right choice. I'm not getting any younger and I can't afford to be impatient anymore.

I still believe that something awesome is still on its way. As what Barney Stinson says, wait for it! ;)

100 Day Challenge: Day 1

2011-10-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Gonna try and do this 100 Day Challenge where you post a photo with a corresponding daily theme.

Day 1: A picture of yourself with 15 facts.

CIRCA: CWC 2008

1. I'm a lotus feet and I wear size 5 to 5 1/2 shoes.
2. A few things I'm good at: eating, doodling, cursing, stalking and... spending money!
3. I'm a beach bum and I'm forever in love with surfing.
4. Some people do smoke, some alcohol.. I do kani sashimi and spicy tuna rolls.
5. I know how to do basic make-up -- but suck in applying eye shadow.
6. I have a one-inch scar on my right knee, caused by my young, playful self, which I tried to hide from my folks by putting a masking tape. It didn't helped.
7. I have a bad case of insomnia.
8. A few things I'm terrible at: waking up early, organizing stuff, multitasking, saving money, keeping my angst to myself.
9. Things I love love love: jellyace, Pringles, sukolets and water. I can finish 2-3 liters of water everyday.
10. I have an ampersand tattoo on my left booblet. I'm getting my second tat hopefully, this November. Or before Christmas.
11. If I had to choose maxing out another credit card between food, traveling and shopping, I'd pick traveling.
12. I love dogs.
13. I went to (?) different schools during college.
14. At 27, I still enjoy watching animes, collecting turtle stuffed toys and anime action figures.
15. I have a thing for going through people's wallet.

Life Lessons After 27 Years

2011-10-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

Reflecting on my life and have an epiphany of sorts are some signs that I'm growing older. No seriously, though. Too much life altering events have transpired in a span of what? Three months. I have learned some of these whilst having fun, most I've learned the hard way. Some, I've learned from others.

1. The best revenge is not to hate, not to be indifferent, but to love your enemies.
2. It’s sad and pathetic to blame your problems on other people/circumstances. What you make of your situation in the present is the only thing that matters/will matter.
3. Burning bridges is not always the answer. You can always take detours.
4. Take care of yourself. Buying medicine and going to the doctor can be freakin' expensive.
5. Stop worrying about what other people think about you. Living for other people’s opinions will never make you happy.
6. Number 5 is valid as long as you don’t use it as an excuse to act like an ass.
7. Learn to let go of the things that are out of your control. You’ll probably live longer once you start doing so.
8. Be good to your family. They are and will always be the most consistent pillars of strength in your life.
9. You’re never too old to be curious. Don’t stop learning to do new things, no matter what your age is.
10. The hardest choice to make is usually the right choice to make.
11. “I love you” is more meaningful when said to you whilst you're being goofy, crazy and throwing a tantrums and you’re having the worst hair day and have a constellation of pimples on your face.
12. You can never have too many books.
13. Stop comparing your life with all the fabulous people you stalk online. Enough with living vicariously through other people and start making your own experiences.
14. Try to conquer/face at least five of your greatest fears. It may kill you in the process (figuratively), but it will be worth it.
15. Travel. Even if people think you should be saving that cash. Set aside a savings fund just for exploring. Better to travel while you’re young rather than when you’re too old to enjoy it.
16. Act like an adult and your parents will treat you like one. Act like an adult even if your parents don’t treat you like one.
17. Never underestimate the power of a good, long shower with Justin Bieber's music on the background.
18. Always be open to reconciliation, but be smart with the love you give. Forgiveness should be freely given. Trust, on the other hand, is a high commodity.
19. Life is too short to be worried about looking stupid. There is no shame in guilty pleasures.
20. You cannot change the people around you, but you can always change the people you are around.
21. Enjoy your life and your youth.
22. Surround yourself with better people better than you. In that way, you grow.
23. Know when to compromise. Be humble enough to admit your mistake, always discuss things in a civil manner. Communication is the key. No need for screaming or dramatic walk-outs.
24. Always keep a tight friendship with your partner. He/She should be your best friend for life.
25. Always, always, always face the truth. Never feed the person who loves you the most with lies.
26. If you rush things, it’s going to cost you.
27. Some things may come easy, but the things that will mean most to you will take a lot of patience.

LET'S GET IT ON!

2011-09-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sweet baby jeebus, here I go again!

I seriously don't know how many times I've switch blogs. This will be the 5th (???), and hopefully the last. It's time to give myself another shot at writing, hopefully less melodramatic and childish than the last ones. Back then, I would maintain a secret blog, ~~which I always tend forgot once I'm okay~~ to write things I couldn't on a regular blog because I'm always scared on what other people would say about me. Everybody went Big Brother-ing on everybody's ass and turn that diary mentality to stalking and a bit of voyeurism, at its best.

But it won't stop me this time, as Kay put it, from over-sharing. LOLJK. I wish I can be as honest as my brain in my writing but I can't. I have to apply some Laguardia-like censorship especially when blogging about other people.

You gotta miss the good old days.